Just so we’re clear-the Major League record for home runs in a season is 61, held by Roger Maris. The Major League record for home runs in a career is 755, held by Hank Aaron. Period. Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds can kiss my ass! I realize that this subject has been hashed and re-hashed ad nauseam, but since the Barry Bonds perjury trial has gotten underway, my blood is once again approaching a rolling boil. See, I don’t give a rat’s ass that he lied to a grand jury, what I care about is that he stole a good chunk of baseball history and to me baseball’s history is sacred. Let’s face it, baseball was a popular pro sport probably 50 years before the other pro sports even existed! No other sport can even attempt to claim the traditions of baseball. So when you sneak into the john and stick a needle in your butt in an attempt to stomp all over those same traditions for your personal gain-you’re a scumbag, pure and simple.

Many people argue, with some validity, that the U.S. government shouldn’t be wasting time prosecuting athletes while certain Wall Street bankers are still free to walk among us. To my way of thinking they should be doing both. Others wonder why baseball has taken so much heat when everyone in their right mind knows that most football players are juiced. Well, I’ll tell you why:

∙ 90% of all football players are nameless plugs you wouldn’t know if they stepped on you. There are 63 players on an NFL roster and the average career is about 3 1/2 years-so really, who cares?

∙ Most football players either just got out of jail or are getting ready to go to jail-again, who cares?

∙ How many baseball games over the last 15 years do you think have had the outcome changed by one swing of the bat by some ‘roid head? Has a pennant been lost because Barry or Sammy or Raphael or A Rod swatted one out against your team in May? Maybe!

∙ Watching a bunch of 300 pounders slamming into each other across the line of scrimmage is not much different to the fan than watching a bunch of 270 pounders slam into each other-once again, who cares?

The point is that baseball players are on an island-they are on their own against the opposing pitcher/batter and if one has an unfair advantage, then the game is compromised. Don’t get me wrong, I love football and if you’re ‘roided up out there you are still a douche-just less of one than if you played baseball.

You know who else makes me gag? Lance Armstrong. I don’t care how many yellow bracelets he has sold (don’t even get me started on my cancer as big business rant!), he’s a cheat. He took all those good wishes and good karma that people sent his way and he spit them right back in their faces.

That’s Lance’s house-you get that from riding a friggin’ bike??? No, you get that from preying on people’s sympathies. Thank God my girl Sheryl finally saw the light.

Now, I have a low level of tolerance when a guy is caught juicin’ and lying, but I pretty much have zero tolerance when a woman is caught. I expect some form of scumbaggery from most guys and I’m okay with that but I have always held women in higher regard . So Marion Jones I don’t give a flying f#@& how good you look in Spandex-you got just what you deserved, girlfriend.

So to re-cap; you have your:

∙ ‘roided up cheats that almost ruin a great game so they can get rich(er) and famous(er)

∙ overgrown thugs who are too dumb to know any better

∙ slime who uses cancer, sympathy, ‘roids, blood doping,etc.,etc.

∙ Olympic athletes who cheat to win gold medals (and then get rich)

And then you have the one guy in the whole sordid history of sports cheats who gets a pass. The one who started it all, my countryman (sort of), the one and only Ben Johnson. In case you don’t remember Ben won the 100 meter final at the Seoul Olympics in 9.79 seconds. To this day only one man has ever run faster (Usain Bolt of Jamaica). Small problem-after the race he tested positive for stanazolol and had to surrender his gold medal. There are 2 reasons I give Ben a pass-first, out of the 8 finalists in the race (which has subsequently been called the dirtiest in history), Ben was only 1 of 5 who were implicated at some point in their career for using banned substances. Second-and I say this as kindly as possible-Ben could quite possibly be the dumbest human being in history. He followed the advice of his coach, Charlie Francis, unfailingly. Francis later freely admitted that he gave Ben steroids throughout his career. He even claimed that Ben couldn’t have tested positive for stanazolol because he actually used furazabol. And that, my friends, is logic you cannot argue with.