A jury was just picked for the Barry Bonds perjury trial on Monday, March 21, 2011, and everyone involved can’t wait to get started.

“Gentlemen, start your eng…” wait, that’s a totally different sport; can’t use that phrase. Okay, “Let’s get ready to rum…” stop. Nope, can’t use that one either (might actually get sued by that guy I hear). Maybe, “Let’s get this party star…” Naaaah. How about “And they’re off…” halt! Man, can’t even use that one. I’ve got it, “Play Ball!”

Of course, that one may seem appropriate when talking about Bonds’ trial beginning, since the sport Bonds played was baseball, but in truth, it’s actually not that appropriate at all. After all, if Bonds had played ball (in the courtroom; not on the ball field), or if his trainer, Greg Anderson, had, this trial would never be taking place.

In my opinion, it still shouldn’t be taking place, but my opinion counts for very little even here on Bing Sports, let alone in a court of law. I’m doubting any of the players in this drama would care to hear me expound on what I think of this entire three-ring circus.

However, you, my dear reader, are my captive, and will be forced through all sorts of torturous means to realize my every inane thought on the subject. I still haven’t figured out how I’m going to keep you captive, but I’m working on it (perhaps some chains and handcuffs? Nah, those are for something else later).

So, Bonds is up to bat, and there’s still one more prominent sports figure on deck. More importantly, fans would like to know whether this will close the book on the “Steroids” era. Will this be the end of it, or will more prosecutions follow?

In regard to Bonds, why is this trial taking place? I mean, it’s not as if it’s any big secret anymore that ballplayers took steroids in the 90s, is it?

Oh, wait, yeah, that’s right, they say Bonds lied about it.

So, he’s not really being charged with using, selling, manufacturing, or distributing any illegal substances; he’s just being hauled into court and tens of millions of tax-payer dollars have been spent on trying to prosecute him because someone in that office over there they call a Federal Building didn’t like Bonds telling a little white lie.

So, apparently one of them said to himself or herself when Bonds claimed he never knowingly took steroids, “That’s such an easy damn lie to see through. We’re gonna have to dedicate the entire resources of this office to making sure Mr. Bonds doesn’t get away with that little white lie.”

And so far that’s precisely what they’ve done.

I think I remember this sort of scenario before, and it didn’t quite work out the way the guy conducting the “Witch Hunt” thought it would. Remember the Starr Investigation run by Kenneth Starr? Yeah, that was a real success, wasn’t it?

Well, all I’ve got to say to those prosecutors over there in San Francisco (just across the Bay where they really love chains and handcuffs, along with whips) is, good luck, fellas.

That’s not to say they don’t think they have a case. I’m sure they do. After all, while Anderson ain’t opening his trap about anything still, they’ve got former baseball steroid-user extraordinaire Jason Giambi who’s willing to come in and testify about how Anderson gave him steroids; as if that’s absolute proof he did the same with Bonds.

In fact, that’s all the real evidence the prosecutors have against Bonds, a bunch of hearsay from a harpy who used to be his girlfriend, and some testimony from players like Giambi that is completely circumstantial. If this were a murder trial, it would have never seen the inside of a courtroom.

Of course, it’s not a murder trial, it’s better. It’s a trial of one of the greatest baseball players ever. That’s enough to make any prosecutor salivate. I mean, can you imagine the national press this bozo is going to get now? He’ll be at least as famous as Christopher Darden, even if he has no hope of getting as big as Marcia Clark (for those too young to grasp the significance of those names, they were the prosecutors in the O.J. Simpson trial).

The only thing better than this trial for these clowns would be a murder trial of one of the greatest baseball players ever (and don’t think they didn’t think of planting a few bloody gloves outside Bonds’ mansion).

So, they will come into the courthouse ready to beguile and mesmerize the eight women and four men just picked, and hope they can get those 12 saps to buy into the importance of putting a guy who’s entertained millions of fans for decades in prison for up to 40 years simply because they “believe” he’s telling a little white lie.

Yet, there’s no time to go after the CEOs of the banks and financial companies who robbed America of trillions. Nope, can’t afford to. Have to sift through all these journals and exercise logs of Barry’s hoping to find somethi…wait, those were already thrown out. Well, we still don’t have time.

Yeah, riiiiight!

Who’s on deck, though? Once they’ve finished with Bonds, whether or not his lawyers are able to convince the jury he shouldn’t spend time in prison for his lie, there’s still one more prominent sports figure prosecutors have in their sights.

On Deck – Roger Clemens

Although his trial was postponed till July of 2011, Clemens legal team will be facing an even more daunting task than Bonds’ group of high-priced attorneys.

Furthermore, there will be a hearing on March 14 before U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton to determine whether material gathered during the Mitchell investigation conducted by a congressional panel needs to be turned over the prosecutors in the Clemens trial. George Mitchell and his staff are refusing to turn the material over, and the judge will have to sort it out.

At the heart of the case are the claims by Clemens’ former trainer, who says he injected Clemens’ with steroids, and provided old syringes that supposedly contained Clemens’ DNA as evidence.

If the prosecutors have their way, Clemens could be facing up to 30 years in prison and a $1.5 million fine for the six counts he’s been charged with, including three counts of making a false statement, two counts of perjury, and one count of obstruction of Congress from his testimony before a congressional panel.

While I think they have far more on Clemens than they do on Bonds, I still think they’re wasting the tax-payers’ money on all this.

After Bonds and Clemens’ Trials Will Prosecutors Call the Game?

That is the question. Once they’ve finished with Bonds and Clemens, whether they’re successful in convicting either or both, will prosecutors finally be done with these types of prosecutions, or will we see other prominent sports figures hauled before congressional panels and then into court?

I’m not advocating the use of drugs, especially steroids, but I think we kid ourselves as a society by thinking we haven’t caused all this mess to a degree. We’ve turned sports into multi-billion-dollar enterprises, and where that much money is involved, and performance is tied to making those dollars continue to flow, players, coaches, and trainers are going to seek every means at their disposal to find a way to compete; some even illegal.

As with recreational drug use, which I believe the United States is misguided in having a “War” on, I think the solution to the problem of steroids isn’t rigorous banning of the drugs and screening, and prosecutions of those who use them, but finding ways to make the sport something where steroids aren’t needed.

I don’t have that solution, or I’d probably be a millionaire right now. However, I think the best minds in our country could probably come up with one. After all, we went to the moon and Mars, didn’t we? What’s this in comparison?